


Another Report

by Liadt



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: M/M, fandom stocking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-08 21:30:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17394068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liadt/pseuds/Liadt
Summary: Vimes had been called once too often to the Patrician's office.





	Another Report

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fredbassett](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fredbassett/gifts).



Samuel Vimes sat in the outer office waiting to give his report to the Patrician. Vetinari had been calling him in more often these days. Vimes couldn’t see why: crime in Ankh-Morpork wasn’t suffering from any unusual spikes in criminal activity nor had the crime rate dropped. In his experience, a lack of crime was as worrying as a sudden growth. If there was nothing going on it meant something big was being planned. As it was, the crime rate was steady. It had been a while since there had been an attempt on the Patrician’s life, maybe that was making the man twitchy, thought Vimes. Well, Vetinari wouldn’t be killed on his watch or Watch. Vimes felt proprietorial of Vetinari. If anything was to happen to him, Vimes was going to be doing the happening. 

Vimes had heard Wuffles was ill, but then the dog had never appeared to be in the best of health. Still, calling him up to make extra reports would be a distraction from a sick pet. But what sort of distraction was he? 

A bell rang, Vimes went into the Oblong Office and saluted.

“Ah, Commander Vimes,” said Vetinari. He stopped writing notes on a report to give Vimes his full attention. 

The Patrician always gave everyone his full attention. It wasn’t the same sort of attention for everyone, Vimes had noticed. He suppressed a smile as he considered what that meant. 

“Yes, sir.” Vimes walked straight up to the desk and round the side. “I’ve come to give you my report.”

Vetinari raised an eyebrow. Vimes didn’t come round to his side of the desk. “I see this will be no ordinary report.”

“No.” Vimes took out a sheet of paper, Carrot had carefully written out this week’s crime statistics on it and placed it in front of Vetinari. 

“All appears to be normal.”

“I thought so too, but then I considered there had to be something strange going on, with you asking for all these reports. You can’t run from me, you know.”

“No, not as I walk with a stick.”

“I know if I hadn’t been there to save you, you wouldn’t be walking or doing other things like breathing ever again.”

“Not breathing isn’t necessarily seen as a negative trait in modern Ankh-Morpork.”

“It is if involves vampires,” said Vimes. “So you’re alive and you know what happens to damsels in distress when they’re rescued?”

“I take it you mean me?”

Vimes had the feeling that many had had when they said something you shouldn’t say to the Patrician. He hoped this wasn’t one of those days where his detective instincts were off.

Humouring him, Vetinari continued, “In the fairy-tales they live happily ever after and as running the city efficiently as possible gives me satisfaction that will do as a happy ending.” 

“I wonder how the damsels get on after they’re wed to the heroic prince.”

“I didn’t think you thought much about fairy-tales: too many kings.”

Any references to his relatives’ past actions wasn’t going to irk Vimes today. “No, what I think about is what the Patrician is thinking when he keeps calling me to his office for pointless meetings and what I think is this.” Vimes lent down, tilted Vetinari’s chin up with a finger and kissed him. Vetinari put his hand flat on Vimes’ shoulder as if to push him away, but instead curled his fingers around a buckle of his breastplate. 

Kissing Vetinari wasn’t like Vimes thought it would be, it was like kissing an ordinary human, which was silly what did he expect? He’d turn out to be a secret vampire? Vetinari did look papery, like the stacks of reports that surrounded his desk, so was it any surprise he’d think he’d be as dry and dusty as an old book. 

When they had finished kissing, Vimes took a step back. He was pleased to see a flush of colour in Vetinari’s pale face.

“Vimes,” began Vetinari weakly and then recovered. “I should call the guards.”

“And throw me out? I though that wasn’t a bad first kiss. I’ve had some terrible ones.”

“I’m not surprised.” Vetinari rose from his chair. “You need extra practice.”

“Whatever the Patrician commands.”

The End…


End file.
